Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
