she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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