If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize