apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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