i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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