Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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