Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
