if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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