is your mom at the bar?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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