Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
