Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
