My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
