in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Randomize
