So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize