Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
