I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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