I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
