This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
