This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
