i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I need to calm my uterus...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
