Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
