There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
