the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize