she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
