my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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