I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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