I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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