i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize