Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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