We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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