Just mADE A PArabola og urine
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
