Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
