I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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