Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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