is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
