I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
