If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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