You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
