The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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