when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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