Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
