I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
