How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
