This is not my ceiling
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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