I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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