I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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