If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
