Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize