May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
