Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can't turn off my feet"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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