The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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