Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
not ubering you a puppy
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