oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
