my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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