new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
