The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
