I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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