Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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