One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
