Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you traded sex for a burrito?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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