this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Help. Why am I so naked?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
