and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
