Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
